Culture of inclusion, that’s an interesting thought. I was listening to the female lead on LinkedIn. Do those who leave their employment say why they leave? Where are those valuable people? How might they enhance the workforce? It’s a lonely path but at least I had my say in order to keep my own integrity but when that is met with denial and twisted words it can leave no other option but to walk away. I’m still reading Dr Turners book, Intersections of Privilege and Otherness in Counselling and Psychotherapy: Mockingbird: Amazon.co.uk: Turner, Dwight: 9780367426774: Books in it he asks what we kill off in ourselves in the process. He suggests that feelings of otherness come from shame and fear. When I was redeployed it was to somewhere that I knew could potentially trigger issues in bereavement that are life long for me, I sought to avoid them for my own safety. These were overridden and in stead of speaking up I allowed myself to be put in a position that I knew would be harmful. Further issues of shame and fear were triggered, leading to that spiralling that can happen.
During this time I was told to go home to my family if I couldn’t comply with the 12hr shift pattern which again I knew wouldn’t be possible with my other commitments – what other aspects of ourselves do we have to shut off in order to conform, Dr Turner asks in his book. My previous work allowed for personal integrity, a team that valued diversity and the contribution each person made. That need for supremacy not required as each valued for their individual contribution. To go from that to daily criticism was a trigger for me.
Is it a feature of whiteness that need for power. I notice in myself how a knock back led to me taking negative actions and how each negative act pushed on to the next negative act and it makes me wonder what a difference there would in society and in the work place if instead of destructive power filtering down what if it was positivity and acceptance and inclusion. I hate the notion of tolerance. After all who wants to be tolerated! Do we just want to fairly trade our gifts, whatever those might be? I’m mindful of an interview I attended years ago, after pretty much being told I would get the job, actively encouraged to apply, doing the job and then being I told I hadn’t been selected. It left me and others bewildered. Devastated actually, it took me a long time to get back up from that. Sometimes how people are treated is pretty dreadful. Then a different interview, this time with someone from HR sitting in. A completely different outcome and experience. I think others are pretty clueless about that hurt that is caused. That’s why I speak out. It’s not ok. While I was volunteering I met this person who felt they’d been so badly treated that honestly couldn’t ever imagine that they would work again, too afraid to put themselves in that position. Another who’d lost their home because of a mistake that had gone unrecognised, unresolved despite months of fighting to get it sorted out.
So here we are. A lone wheel very much aware of that cycle of socialisation that was spoken of. By speaking up I became the problem in a way that seeks to keep “the problem” hidden. Especially poignant having been tasked to audit the gaps.
So what are those costs, real or imagined. Probably any notion of career I might once have aspired to. Walking away from Palliative care, walking away from Nursing. Walking away from my work in homelessness. Yep the stakes for me have been pretty high to keep my integrity. I fight on (I know you hate that term, so make it different!) because I recognise my privilege in being able to walk away, what about those who can’t. Those who come next. Those next generations, Those who are dying by postcode Health inequalities: death by political means | The BMJ (oclc.org) . What those internal effects for me are yet to be seen but the pain of which I experienced bodily when I undertook the Introduction to racial trauma course.
During my time with race reflections RACE REFLECTIONS – Rethinking inequality, injustice and oppression I have been able to reflect on encounters with whiteness, identify when they show up in a way that was previously hidden to me (again those intersections of privilege). In some ways it makes everything less hopeful but creating that space to explore and reflect helpful in moving to a better place. I’m working through that as you read in this blog. But it’s pretty freeing to know that you are enough.
I’ve worked so hard over the years trying to be the best I can. Career wise it’s got me no where. Sadly it doesn’t seem possible to have a part-time career, what a difference it would make if that was possible. I was shocked to learn recently a colleague too in this position, reflecting on others who have been treated badly in the past, those who daily experience those arrows Dr Turner talks about. It makes it more real. It’s a head screw up, makes you feel like you’re making a fuss. No. There is fuss to be made, for the sake of all of us. Another up side at least I’ve moved to ethical investments seeking abundance in all it’s many forms, seeking that for others.
That sense of otherness is passed down through the generations, my child just said “what do normal people…” How do we interrupt those circles?
Isn’t karma a wonderful thing. We love a bit of revenge don’t we as humans. Our vet was so condescending to me recently. A mix of with good cause and exhibiting whiteness, talking down to me. They assuming my stupidity, different after noticing that the mistake was not only mine.
I had a dream; in it there was this weight on my right ankle – It felt like a shackle.