I was reflecting on yesterday. The script of “we’ll talk to you like you are a bit thick”. Was massively triggering to me.
It tipped me over the edge.
The response was conflict between my cousin and me.
When we’re together mostly we’re ok. She relies on me heavily. Her priorities aren’t my priorities and sometimes that’s hard when I’m trying to help her.
Yesterday she was telling me how she didn’t have her friends phone number whilst on the phone to her. She had rung her friend.
After a morning of being spoken down to, (I experienced this vicariously, I found this triggering).
I’m struggling to determine if this is my difficulty in experiencing this or my cousin’s response, a bit of both.
It’s one thing recognising projection afterwards or even at the time. Doesn’t lessen the triggering effects. Perhaps that will change over time.
So after that meeting I once again had a list of jobs to do so whilst Peabody are helping they are also dishing out more jobs for me. I should have said no.
She is unable (?) to do these jobs. Is she or does it just fit the script. I’m not sure. I remember going to the council offices with our people experiencing homelessness, making a fuss about the signage, talking about trauma, all quietly and silently unacknowledged, retraumatising. People used to have to stand behind a sign which said “homeless” then they were spoken to like they weren’t believed. This has changed. There is a new reception, none of those signs. This is great. How come they were changed? Who noticed the problems that people were experiencing? Hello? It’s dehumanising for ones contribution to be so unacknowledged, so silenced. Just yet one more so called microaggression. Hello?
I tried yesterday to find out more about this debt that she knows nothing about. Is it fraud or is it her?
It took all morning and I’m no further forward. Meanwhile my child was home alone.
She thinks it might be an old phone but it doesn’t correspond to any phone number I’ve had for her. She’s ready to pay the debt. But I’m not sure it’s hers.
She seems to be embroiled in something that she genuinely doesn’t seem to understand.
Before Lindsey and Caroline arrived yesterday she was so worried about how many people were coming, but we’d gone over it again and again. As anxiety rose understanding less and less. Able to think more clearly when that anxiety was gone and it reminded me of what I’ve read on twitter about people who have psychological care that isn’t culturally appropriate and doesn’t take their experiences of racism into account. How it’s easy to slip into fulfilling the script – something I learnt from Race Reflections trauma course.
I contacted Paul for support. Someone else phoned me back, tried to reassure. By this time I was losing it. Something with my husband making matters worse. The knock on effects of time taken supporting my cousin.
Today I phoned Lindsay, abandoning my cousin to more of the same but for the sake of time with my children and my own mental health.
I’m perfectly capable of sorting out this admin, let’s make that clear. As Peabody are paid to do it they can do this, any contribution I have ever made has on an ongoing basis been silenced or ignored so no charge there. But isn’t it interesting how the script is then fulfilled. How there is the expectation that family, however remote and regardless of circumstances will pick up the never ending admin from the chaos of lack of support for mental health. Ableism at play for a lone individual without any assessment as to their ability.
Silence from the social worker despite leaving numerous messages. The “doesn’t fit the criteria” that we’ve experienced twice before presumably going for a third go despite again requested by a new professional. A good use of resources? Who is challenging the criteria that so impacts family members and community?
My husband says I have a ‘unique perspective’ how I should just step away. Mental health services also tell me for my mental health I should step away. Yet who is left when she’s on her own and says she can’t manage? Who is left with that sense of responsibility for caring?
I’ve stepped away. She’s lost and alone. Good job she’s found this new friend that she’s ringing constantly. Just another person in the pattern of abandonment. Find a new friend to solely focus on, piss them off with the constant ringing for reassurance until they tell her to fuck off. Will this new friend be yet another who ripes her off financially? Back round this circle without the necessary support?
Yesterday someone rang me back. Explained how I need to trust their system of support, how there’s a whole village of professional support. How I should be patient because the referral has only just been made. Are they really so clueless about how trustworthy and reliable only come from a person’s experience and what has our experience been to date?
I was told “there are agencies that help with that”. In a moment of clarity I thought about my experiences of what I provided when working in palliative care.
How people would tell me what they needed and I’d try to get it done. Rarely did that translate to a phone number to ring. Often it involved an internal referral, work behind the scenes dealing with what mattered to them regardless of whether that was inside or outside the organisation I was working for.
It involved liason with GP’s, hospital teams, social workers, OT, physio and rehab assistants, Peabody and university research departments, complimentary therapists and chaplains and sometimes undertakers.
Working as I was in the space of preventing crisis. My ‘unique perspective’ tells me this isn’t much different except those involved can’t see it. So here we are. Shut out and struggling to make sense. Epistemic homelessness as Dr Kinouani has described it as.
Now I’ve made the decision to walk away from my cousin’s administration Peabody will pick it up. So that’s good hey. They presumably have had some training in the consequences of trauma. Hopefully they’ll see she gets to her latest hospital appointment.
Like I said yesterday, I’m done with being taken for a fool. Hilarious that whilst I’m writing this I get sent an email, the latest Nursing Standard article on how to encourage older Nurses to remain on the register.