The world health organisation tells us that there have been lots of promises just no actual action to get the world vaccinated to keep us all safe. Much like the levelling up rhetoric I am exposed to.
Keeping and feeling safe is particularly difficult for people who experience trauma because trauma transcends time (Kinouani) I write this both as quote and lived experience. Tomorrow I’ll learn more about intergenerational trauma. I know it from the inside so it’ll be interesting to learn more about this from an academic standpoint. Though of course Race Reflections courses are not ones that just involve the thinking, they are whole body experiences in the same way that is used in these leadership courses. Seeking round table thinking, embodied response, speaking into the circle. About finding our shared humanity and the things that connect us.
I’m reminded of when I first started volunteering. Our first meeting. A table put in front. The manager behind, like our residents association meeting. Committee members behind the table the rest of us out front. Fine to go as long as you don’t have your say. Then suddenly you’re not quite so welcome. Ideas quashed if they don’t come from the designated ‘leaders’.
I contrast this with our second meeting, where I got in first with intention, set the chairs out in a circle. Everyone’s ideas welcome. Moving forward into meaningful knowledge exchange and co production. Wonderful to find those unexpected voices, unexpected knowledge that was before hidden in the room. Personally I’d extend to those affected. A productive way forward rather than just one way knowledge exchange.
I reflect on the circle yesterday, the humanity shared. A space for a more inclusive way of knowing.
I’m sweating as I write, perhaps after just having had my fairly traded coffee but it feels good to experience my body again. I’m aware of the numbness, the disassociation I feel. Haven’t spent enough time centering myself but completely understand given all that has been going on. So I’m going gently with myself focusing on meaningful connection.
I was woken at 5am worrying about my cousin. I wonder how much of this is projection. How much is intergenerational trauma.
How I find it so much easier to focus on thinking than embodied response.
I attended a workshop yesterday on conflict resolution. I question why I’m doing this work when those around me remain silent and avoidant.
I’ll spell it out. Set out the extremes of positioning. Like Ying and Yang weave that path mindfully, creatively, create the space for thinking about things in a different way.
On one side we have those who are alone, unable to access help.
On the other we have those who are funded to provide support.
Are these the wrong parameters? Perhaps it’s something different.
Perhaps there isn’t the funding, yet there are those who seek to fund. Even if their funding is a way to soothe their conscience. Perhaps they too need to think about that. What more could they do?
Interrupted by a scam call. An eBay charge this time.
We’re building a raised bed. We’re going to plant some vegetables. Yesterday our daughter sawed into her finger as she cut up the old pallet we’ve recycled. She wasn’t worried about the cut, the blood and I wonder about her numbness.
I remember Dad showing us his cut fingers, his smashed up hands. “Working my fingers to the bone for you”.
Feeling you have to work twice as hard is a sign of trauma. Today we will rest.
