I’m literally shaking with rage. Homeless hope provide care to people on the street. They posted a video of their conversations with people experiencing homelessness.

People living outside with blisters on their feet, hungry people. Some of whom, I would guess from my experience of the people I met, most if not all known to services in this country in one way or another but still hungry, still outside. Do you understand the violence that is experienced when another phone number is given, launched again into the round and round. People who may be working on 1% resilience because of the violence they’ve faced.

Systems that come from the age of slavery doing what they do best, hiding the everyday brutally and violence against our poorest. Dressing that violence up as inconvenience and most often denied.

When I walked away from my volunteering I did so honestly believing that once I’d told people who commission services of what I’d been doing, the stories I’d heard they couldn’t possibly not hear them and respond. Couldn’t possibly fail to act. They seemed slow to respond so I walked away thinking it was the only way to speed things up, that they couldn’t possibly leave those gaps unfilled. Those people unsupported. Particularly as we are an area of deprivation, at the end of the line.

Then I learnt about racism, how only some voices matter, how systems were only designed for some people.

What I learnt was those systems were never designed for me. Designed for violence.

The only people who have the power to change those violent systems are on an international level. Our government aren’t bothered about breaking international law. They’ve shown it time and again. Same as others. Self serving. Contempt for the poor.

Nurses are advocates for people. So I’m unashamed for you to hear my rage.

The silence is deafening.

My rage is historic, multi generational, intersectional. Grandad perhaps with his blisters as he trudged the Transvaal, perhaps I’ve got that wrong. Interesting that he came to the same conclusion. So moving on, where are we now? The ball’s in your court.

This morning we watched a little blue tit, a top a tennis ball. Picking the fur off it for it’s nest. What a complete fuck up. Could it get any worse?

So when I brushed the bunny, took the fur out for the little blue tit. It’s time to do better, over to you.

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The call came from the Nurse, they have a new plan regards the tablets. She’s not eligible for a blister pack. She seems happy so let’s hope the new plan will be a step in the right direction. She sounds calmer has a plan for the day.

Meanwhile a respite from the anxious calls.

Others have birthdays and interviews today and I’ve got a day to catch up on the things I’ve neglected.

I love how optimistic children are, how they think their parents can do anything. How they just send me a picture of a cake and say Mum can you make that. I have to laugh. Did I mention before how our daughter said I should enter the bake off! Oh my goodness, has she forgotten the dinners burnt to the bottom of the pan! Seriously I couldn’t imagine anything worse.

I had a go at some creation that our son sent me. It’s still in the fridge, not yet disturbed, meanwhile I’ve made an apple pie. Lost in the moment as I made the pastry.

I couldn’t get what I wanted yesterday, the shop was closed. I’d forgotten, do you remember how it used to be half day closing on a Wednesday afternoon and all day Sundays? Thursday afternoons in Colchester. Managed to find a ‘dofer’ (a “it’ll do for now”) a bottle of rose lemonade that I accidentally dropped in my rush to get to the appointment. Oh well. These things happen.

Yesterday I met one of my Dad’s old friends. Looking old and a little unkempt I think his wife died, haven’t seen him in years. Lovely to catch up. There was something in the way he spoke that just made me wonder about his family. Can’t remember, did his daughter move away? We shared a joke and a bit of laughter talked about his hobbies, what he’s up to now.

Met a friend who is a singer, no wonder it takes such a long time to get anything done.

I’m caught up in some non sense about the dart charge. I’ve sent proof of payment but four emails later and it’s still unresolved. Why does nothing actually work in this country?

I still haven’t got round to the bit I was writing about last week’s family zoom. It feels important given the amount of intergenerational hate we’re hearing expressed at the moment.

I remember this patient years ago. They knew they were dying but hadn’t discussed it with those closest to them. The husband knew too but neither of them discussed it. Separate sides locked in their own reality. It was so painful to watch. The loneliness screaming out.

Anyway the husband thought I’d told the wife and was absolutely livid. The thing that I remember most was that he was so angry at his beloved dying. He just needed to express that anger.

It came at me full force. Oh phone, sounds like she’s had a nice afternoon.

Anyway where was I so I just had to stand back until those furious words came out. Because it wasn’t really about anything I’d done or not done. He was just so angry at the thought of losing his life partner, what life was throwing at him.

And that’s how it is when someone’s angry. How do you know what it’s about unless you really listen. Deeply listen without your own agenda. Without words at the readiness. All that can come out once that fury is out. That big gust of emotion.

I can hear you are really angry.

Pause, let that wave of fury do it’s worse (I’m saying this as someone who has never been hit physically in a professional capacity. I know that is not an experience shared by all.) That anger doesn’t last long in my experience. It’s too exhausting, but let it run its course, the adrenaline continue until it’s spent. Don’t interrupt, don’t get in the way. Be super conscious of power relations, height, body language, surroundings.

People know if you’re listening or just pretending or just preparing your words. That’s the time to shut the fuck up and listen to the other person.

Anyway that’s just my experience. What’s worked for me, what was reinforced on that course I did. Once that anger has been named and let out there’s so much more space and opportunity to deal with the real issues.

Goodness is it that time already, better get on. Eid Mubarak blessings.

Nurses trying to do what they do with systems getting in the way.

February last year wasted according to the world health organisation after an independent review. Calls for a new system, one based on safety, in preparation for the next pandemic.

Safety for health professionals would be a start.

I looked at my diary from last year. How we waved to people on balconies, how our neighbours gave us some cake, how I had a headache all day. I wrote about being tearful and noted my jump reflex super pronounced and then I think of the people in those videos, three generations of refugees and people who have lost all those closest to them. Health care professionals prevented from doing their job.

The medication review with the pharmacist went well. Highlighted difficulties that had previously gone unnoticed. I tipped the three bags of medications out, noticed how chaotic their removal from packages seemed to be. Tried to reassure. It’s ok anyone would be confused with this lot.  Hopefully we have found a safer way forward.

“Yes but when should I order them?”. Note the date for when there should be more. Not enough of some, literally hundreds of others. She tells me how she knows what she’s doing, what each one is for… “except for these and these.” “So when should I take those..oh…” It feels like a muddle, now I’m confused. Neither of us know what she needs to take. The pharmacy list adding to confusion, no clear idea of what she needs to take and when. I’m so grateful for the pharmacist’s help, she goes off to seek some answers it feels like a mess.

We’re waiting for a call back. The call back came after I chased it. The Nurse from the surgery will ring tomorrow.

As I reflect on how she stood waiting to discuss it at Boots. Several things struck me.

How many people are home alone in this situation?

1. If I hadn’t been there she wouldn’t have been seen for the appointment I’d made as the issues were side tracked into something else. Had to clarify why we were there. Had to step in. What about those people who don’t have anyone? Like she hasn’t for years. Like only last month when she wouldn’t stand to queue and I let it go. Different now, moving at the speed of trust. Some days better than others.

2. She wouldn’t have got as far as the counter because she was put off by going into a private room (potentially retraumatising, something I’ve both read about and heard people say before.)

3. She finds queueing a challenge so would have put it off, didn’t feel there was much of a problem. Unperturbed by the mounting medications…New symptoms because of the + or – medication, something else? Has she mentioned them to anyone else?

4. A follow up conversation about today’s medication leads me to believe she still hasn’t understood what she needs to take and when. Just knows the date of when she needs to get more, no apparent understanding that that only needs to happen if she’s taken them as prescribed and is therefore running low. “Yes but when should I order them”. Has no one noticed this before? I haven’t.

5. Is this how it’s been since her partner died? Before? I’m thankful for the pharmacists understanding.

I’m reminded of someone we supported, confided they felt suicidal. During our conversation I found out that he hadn’t been able to access his medication for months. A mix up between pharmacy and surgery that he’d been unable to resolve, a support group he couldn’t get to because of lack of transport. How depressed he was, until it all came pouring out in group.

Systems need to change to support people adequately. It’s life and death.

Did you read about aporophobia? That needs to change. We need services that are streamlined, person led. Inclusive, just health care for all.

What a muddle. My cousin says she’s run out of one of her tablets. They are everywhere, how would you know.

Given that she is self neglecting as I’ve flagged up on numerous occasions to any professional who will listen the bottle that says apply to scalp twice a day seems an odd choice. Saying that in the pressure of the appointment I suspect it would be easy to miss, not perhaps notice the lack of hair washing.

We’re back on track with that. Big conversation about hate crime and lack of safety when out at night, how it doesn’t feel safe to relax. No different in other areas, unless that’s changed. Why should that be acceptable for some members of our community?

How people spreading their hate to their children make the situation worse. Talking about and celebrating difference. Identifying safe space. Oh how that problem is at the macro and micro.

It’s a beautiful day here today, the sun glissening off the sea. The lasers out today and one of the original mirrors if I’m not mistaken. They were called that because they were originally sponsored by The Mirror newspaper. But Richard Walker is your man for that. His Dad was an historian and he’s the holder of our archives.

Talking of archives I follow the African archives on twitter. They give us some of the history that has been left out, history remembered in our bodies like we’ve seen, like Dr Kinouani described, can tell us a bit of where the repairs are needed for us all to move on. If you haven’t seen them, perhaps give them a look.

I can’t help but be optimistic about our future despite the pain that is currently being felt. The world’s on fire, it’ll take all of us to put it out. Our time to make our peace? What that is, different for each of us. Working together to defeat the viral common enemy in the spirit of co operation and care.

Imagine what we could achieve if we worked together for good? As people have said there is more that unites us than divides us.

I noticed today as I cycled along a person on a bike gave me the nod and it made me laugh like in years gone by where people who had the same car gave each other a little wave.

Our son cycled to point clear and back before school just for fun and it made me think of how this is a safer way for young people to burn off that excess energy they have. Oh I find myself mind wandering imagining how we could use their energy for good. Here there’s an attempt to get young people into volunteering, helping their local area. My nephew’s used to be in a voluntary fire brigade, our son waters our neighbours plants, my Godson used to tidy up the garden of a person who lived down the road. And I’m reminded of how helpful the older members of the sailing club were teaching the younger how to rig their boats, welcoming of new comers, a bit like with the cycling group. It’s great how this sense of purpose and community helps people thrive, building rather than destroying.

I’ve double booked myself again. Trying to be in too many places at once. Having to dip in here and there, prioritising well being, trying to eke out time.

Tomorrow I’ve booked to get the tablets looked at, trying to get out of this mess. Trying to bring things back on course. Perhaps after that I will get a chance to come back to the stuff I wrote at the weekend, that I wanted to look at today. Hey ho. Better get on.

Today I was unable to go to our community meeting as my eye felt weird and so I wanted to go and get it checked out. I phoned my usual optician as I know they can check the pressure behind my eye which just felt different. They sounded concerned about what I was telling them and said best get it checked. They said they would ring back within the hour to let me know who the on call optician was. Anyway they rang back and said there we no available slots so I should go to A&E (which doesn’t have any equipment to check the pressure behind my eye) anyway that’s not the story. The story is while I was waiting, half over hearing the person talking loudly on their phone about how they had been beaten up by their ex partner I phoned my children to check they were ok home alone. (I didn’t think it wise to drive the half an hour journey by myself). It just so made me laugh, there they were home alone with their Mum in A&E and the first thing they said was to ask me if they could have a pet!

I guess the point of this is to say that joy is unexpected and comes to you when perhaps you least expect it. They were laughing on the phone. The volume was turned up that extra bit too high when you notice the otherwise silence around you so the whole place got to hear them ask me for the new pet! Heard their play and their laughter, anyway it just tickled me. They looked so happy and chatting together (usually as siblings they always find something to fuss about so this just brought me so much joy).

Later when I got home I joined the Race Reflections Joy event and it was so nice to just connect with others and talk and feel joy. (Don’t forget they are opening up for new members next month Memberships – RACE REFLECTIONS )

It made me realise how easy it is to let ourselves get sucked up with the crap in the world. We did an exercise in mindfulness and I felt my body heat up with excitement, lightness and joy as I took time to really connect to my feeling of joy.

I focused on a joyful thing that happened during the week. While I was cycling back from my cousin the other day it was sunny and that cold wind that we’ve had lately had dropped and so there was even a bit of warmth in the air. I felt so free and joyful it nearly made me laugh out loud as I let my imagination run away with me. I was wearing a cape and it was out floating in the wind as I rode along and suddenly I felt like a witch on a broom stick and it just made me laugh. It was actually blissful in that moment as I cycled, flying along, cape billowing in the wind, ready to take off.

Dr Kinouani reminded us that if we centre joy we feel the benefits of it in hope and wellbeing, connection with others and better health too. It reminds me how in our groups people used to come in looking dreadful and within an hour would look altogether different. Revived and ready to face whatever challenges they had next. I certainly felt that today, during and after this group.

So as was suggested I plan to be more intentional with joy. Making a joy inventory sounds like a faff worth doing. I’ll give some thought to the things that bring me joy, have a bit more of that. It was great to connect with the people in the group. Lots to think and write about but just now? I’ll centre joy. You?

A mythical thing?

Another hour wasted in the round and round.

The plumber came yesterday, couldn’t find any problems only for it to start again the minute they’d gone.

Another call from the landlady, wants to put up the rent. Oh that bubbling sink is at it again. The flotex on the kitchen floor is bubbled too. I looked at the rug and wondered about it Another trip hazard? At least there’s food in the fridge, I noticed when I made the tea.

Still no self care, despite encouragement, beyond the renewed too small plaster.

Knee aching this morning, that graze that came on top of the newly healed last one. She’s taken off the dressing that the carer put on. Back to the one she wants. I had to laugh. You can do what you think is best but it won’t stay put unless the person is on board. That’s what person centred care literally IS. Anyway she’s lovely and kind.

Repetition of the same things on the phone. Systems slow, keep throwing her out, trying to answer calls while getting through other assessments. No can’t give us any further update.

We visited other local accommodation that she’s had her eye on. Not sure how that would help (perhaps away from those unkind voices) Something she wanted to do nevertheless. No joy. Everything comes back to the social care assessment.

The tablets are everywhere in numerous bags. How’s it going with the tablets? She assures me everything is fine but I can’t help but wonder about the recent increase in tablets and falls here’s some more info about falls if you’re interested. There may be newer information available but I didn’t get time to look https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK235613/

It’s hard to concentrate or stay motivated to make my life different when there’s this ongoing worry. She’s in the back of my mind, waiting as it seems I am for the next anxious call.

When I was working I had two days where I could focus on something else. It was better all round. Now some days everything feels insurmountable.

My son is wise some of the time and yesterday suggested I take a day for self-care. Don’t worry about the blog. Go out or lay on the sofa. When you’re always on the go it’s hard to stop until your body takes over and you get no choice.

This time last year I was juggling last minute shift changes, no certainty with job and no plans to go back to previous job role. Some things don’t change. Met in collaboration on yet another new platform, marvelled at how we’d moved to daily community video conferencing in only a month. Incredible isn’t it what can be done when the will is there.

Can you believe that last May we weren’t wearing masks? A note in my diary says “Still getting the odd side ways look and overhearing… wearing a mask. It’s not common (mask wearing) but becoming more so.” I was referring to outside at the time, worn in busy places.

It’s funny isn’t it, I’d forgotten about this. My Mum used to have her hair set each week.

The ‘therapist’ has lost a fence panel in the wind.

It’s too windy for the bike today, walked today. Others not deterred, saw Layla out on her bike. Looking strong. Would have used one of the electric scooters if I could get them to work. Son tried too. Maybe they only work with an iPhone, I don’t know.

Talk about how clients don’t come in when it’s wet or windy, rain mates. Wonder how many use the track and trace. Listen as the hairdresser tells us about his routine with covid testing… those unwanted scam calls the stress and anxiety they bring, non sense letters about broadband unwanted, more stuff for the bin.

Worries about the next vaccination today. Friend was poorly for two days. Wondering whether she should have it. We talk about the options, reassure. How I’d see it as a good thing, immune system kicking in, growing antibodies to keep us safer, better than the alternative. On balance better have it. She’s unsure. It’s booked in for next week. Husband still unable to get his, odd given the words about areas of deprivation. Tried again last night, still no joy.

Plumber coming later. Another source of worry, what if he doesn’t find what’s wrong?

I write, while I listen to the music and their conversation. Is she more relaxed now? Not so worried about the next thing. More peaceful in the moment. Heavens are we looking at a win! Conversations flowing. Tells me how she’s fed up, as soon as there’s a lull. When I listen to her thoughts it’s hard not to think that CBT might help, interruption to searching for the negative in every situation. But again as far as I’m aware, never been offered it. Is it ageism? Ableism? Others thinking it won’t help? Not everything is about grief. I don’t know.

Anyway I’m celebrating the win. That’ll be the second today. It’s bin day, we nearly forgot. Rushing about working together to get it out on time, before he went to work, the wind not putting him off, on his work bike.

I read last week about how our rubbish gets sent overseas. Shared a post on an eco site. Recycling ideas for fence panels, petition about rubbish. Someone commented well what should we do with it then? Surely it isn’t beyond our wit to come up with a better way? Not my area of knowledge, let’s hope whoever’s is actually gets something done.

As I’ve said before, they used to bury it here or burn in the garden. Thank goodness those fires are a thing of the past. It’s a nature reserve now. Not sure about what happens when all that rubbish seeps into the water table and it rots. Sometimes I wish I didn’t stop to think, worry about things that I know nothing about.  It seem like we’re not very bright as a species.

and I’m frustrated by the limitations of our local recycling, such huge variation depending where you live. Pretty crap here if I’m honest but at least there is a link up with our Tendring primary school recycling scheme.

Talking about comparison. Visited a children’s playground with adult exercise equipment. Why wouldn’t we have those here? I remember writing to Dougie about it back in the day…oh hairs done. Adjust my mask, sanitise my hands.

On the walk home, tripped over a paving slap, third fall in as many weeks. Fell heavily, I thought the worst, both of is in shock. It’s normal to fall over, not attached to dizziness or anything just another misaligned paving slab to trip over. Shoes with good grip, steady despite the wind. Here’s a link from the world health organisation. Falls are costly for everyone https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/falls

Anyway nothing obviously broken, all ok. Luckily two second hand shops close by, a chair quickly found. Passers by quick to help, grab an arm (please don’t do that). Asked to step back so that she could take a breather, check what’s what. Carefully on to knees, slowly up to sit on the chair. Take a while to check out the damage.  A kind person with a wet wipe and a tissue. Whew, we’re good to go. Tissue tucked into torn tights. A proper dressing when she gets home.

Shall we go home? Have a cup of tea, get over the shock? No let’s go into town…Clactonian’s are strong, either that bloody minded or numb. I’d suggest numb. The way people are who live with microaggressions.

Nipped in to see if we could find one of those trolleys. Perhaps that would be safer, she’ll ask a friend about the one he’s got. Didn’t find one in the charity shop, but would you believe a tennis racket, even smarter than the one I’d bought. As we said, sods law. Did you hear about : https://www.henmanfoundation.org/

Found this if anyone is interested. Don’t know it’s state but might be worth a go?

Anyway, tea’s finished. Better get on. Is it really lunch time already? Oh ok better think about that.

After all these months and wrestling with the dilemma of using our polluting car today we visited my sister.

Trying to leave the house and bunny kept getting out, seeing how she’d managed to get the crackers out of the cupboard, sod it. We’ll take her with us! So she came too! A true family outing. A new adventure, nevermind the dog.

We spent the journey in the ongoing discussion about what we’re going to do with the car. Change it in for something more suitable, not so polluting. Weighing up the pros and cons.

It was great to see my Sister, was SO hard not to hug her. We’re big huggers. This is the first time we’ve seen each other since her husband died.

She showed me the write up he’d been given in a magazine on a subject he’s been known for his whole life. Wow, pages and pages. How wonderful. He was super picky about how things were published and I wonder what he would have made of it. How he would have scrutinized the printing, perhaps less so on words than drawings, I don’t know. We shared in the pride of his work and discussed how we are to manage the work he gave us to pass on. Conversations about his wishes Christmas before last, building on those he’d mentioned years ago, trying to recall details of conversations.

She talked about how hard getting rid of his clothes had been and she gave our son one of his cravats and a silk scarf. I love that. Such a lovely way to remember him, passing precious things on to next generation.

We’ve always been big on Arron jumpers in the family and she unpicked a well loved jumper, washed the wool and plans to knit it into sweater’s for the grandchildren. Showed me the first side, is that the right language? I’m not much of a knitter. Not like my niece’s husband, he likes to knit. I can’t do much beyond booties, not that I’ve done any for years. My daughter loves to knit. Perhaps she takes after her Grandma in that. I did at least teach her how to cast on and off.

My Sister’s doing so well, but I can’t wait to have her to stay when it’s safer. It must have been so hard, being alone. We talked about plans for a memorial as obviously none of us got to go to a funeral. We talked about the position of the bench, confirmed as it had been when she’d seen a family having a picnic at the very spot. We walked and talked. Sharing memories, how having the dog had been a god send. How much love the dog brought, despite the previous owner having to go into a home. How it worked out just right for all concerned. Found by chance by my niece. What a little sweetie, just wanting a lap.

We talked about his dying, how it had been. How knowing it was all as good as it gets brings so much comfort.

We wandered round the garden, took the dog out for a walk, the normal things we do when we go to see her but shivering under blankets, outside in the cold. It doesn’t matter. It was worth the trip.

When we got home I asked the children how they found it, him not being there. Strange for all of us. They found it odd, knowing that he’d died in the house.

I watched this clip just now: https://speakinggrief.org/

How lovely that it gives very practical tips about supporting those who are grieving thereby offering the bereft person space to grieve. A beautiful gift, with love.