Drop our Daughter off for the school bus, our lad off for his induction couple of hours and made our way over to Wrabness. Saw a colleague long retired and one still in post we talked about the day, the birds, the sunshine and things we remembered. She told me how she’s booked her plot and we stood admiring the beautiful wicker coffin (that’s what I’ve planned to have). And the spray of flowers on top.

Sing Hallelujah! – YouTube

This is what our friend and colleague had to enter the church, her funeral today, she’s just a bit older than me. So perfect for her. Such a lovely vibrant person who would have loved that the celebrant tripped over her surname. For her she delighted in this. I absolutely know that this is would be such a source of pain for some but for her, she would have laughed. She was larger than life and had a great sense of fun, despite the “opportunities” she had. (that toxic positivity again?)

Her meditation group friend Kaiya made a beautiful tribute, told us of Lynn’s poetry, abstract painting and how she had written to her teacher not long before she died telling them how she had found spiritual peace, recognised the love, not that she would have known that she was coming to the end of her life just then. I really appreciated the moments that were enabled, that were still, we were asked to put hand on heart and just take a moment to think about Lynn…and I thought of her with her cats and in her beautiful garden that she’d created with Simon.

…and found myself taking in the sniffs and sobs as well in that place of peace, bird song in the air.

Of course I cried. I hate that, always try and hold back the tears, but it never works. That one soggy tissue getting tatty and torn, silently scrunched up, getting wetter as the service goes on, nose needing a wipe. It was just so sad. Always get to feeling all the other deaths, almost like a cumulative effect…my own mortality…we hugged, side by side and I whispered, these hymns always remind me of school, but my voice croaked and came out a little too loud, a little too cracked as it does caught in that lump in the throat.

Thought it’s ages since I’ve stood still this long, let alone in heels, as they sunk into the ground, through the dried grass…wondered why they don’t have chairs…but at least those inside the church were able to sit. Her Mum, her brother, closest friends…

She left the church to this:

David Gray – Sail Away (Greatest Hits Audio) – YouTube and we said our goodbyes to her earthly body in the Wood… So many people exchanged their memories of Lynn while we stood outside in the glorious sun. She really was appreciated, so well loved in all the different spaces she was in. It was a really thoughtful and moving send off for a beautiful person, can’t quite believe she’s gone.

Then home, husband back to work…take a minute

Mum are you going shopping…

check the emails, apparently there’s a new book out. How work stole our lives.

Joined a Gates Foundation “Reimagining Leadership: Courage & Compassion” event. Listened to inspiring women leaders. Sankara spoke about how we need to look at things through a gendered lens, (given how well the patriarchy is working, thinking of the pay gap, where are those women in leadership in healthcare?) Look into that gap, have intergenerational conversations…and I think of how my son is currently involved but my daughter isn’t and I wonder why that is…Repeating the mistakes of the past? How the present isn’t working for us here. Your old model hasn’t worked. We’re dying.

Karuna spoke of how structural change must be non negotiable, what with the problems we have with domestic violence the conviction rates speak for themselves, worldwide it’s bad. What’s wrong with these brothers that don’t hold each other to account when they are in positions of power? Too corrupted by the winning rather than what is right? Sister’s who avoid collaboration? We need female participation it is literally life or death. Karuna is an inspiring leader, the event living up to it’s name. She said how interviews for law students (but can be seen more broadly) need to be based on how well candidates can adhere to international standards. Where is the accountability on race, religion and gender? Have I left some out? Those too? “Let’s not let a good crisis go to waste”.

Sandra spoke of how we need to move to team based leadership (please God) and I think of our government and governance how they’ve fallen short. Do better. We’re watching, so are our children. Lets end that toxic internalised patriarchy, it’s more than the 12 trillion dollars of GDP to us.

Which women are in your team? I wrote lots of notes…EMPOWER, ENGAGE, BUILD SELF ESTEEM, RESTORE HOPE, INSPIRE EMPATHY, INSPIRE HEART, IDENTIFY CHALLENGES, MAKE IT SAFE FOR WOMEN, DEAL WITH I.T, SUPPORT, REFLECT, AUTONOMY do I sound shrill? shouting? are you tone policing?

Everything is possible with collaboration! Ask women they’ve made do and mended for centuries.

Iris tells us that Liberia is doing well, creating real opportunities. Rwanda too.

Where are you in the race to be the best in collaboration? Enough of your willy waving.

Karuna believes there is magic in boldness. Women have that wider range of paint brushes to work with. So we won’t hold back. We’ll call out the bull shit. Sandra asks us to share the road – white women are you listening? Listening to the global South? We’ll start with structure. Governments are you listening?

Sankara says have the audacity, embrace the ugliness of audacity, leaders go back to where you started and lift those women up.

We were inspired to be bold with donors. We need the freedom to set the agenda.

93% in Maths, A for English (do our local children get the access she does, she had a teambuilding day today), we celebrate her work to get there, Grandparents on the phone saying congratulations to our daughter. I thought it odd that we represented the family at the funeral but then I remember my Auntie, how she got to an age and said, that’s it. No more. Couldn’t face yet another funeral, didn’t even come to Dad’s. People hey, we’re all different, some of us need to do better.

Challenging Power and Privilege

It was truly inspiring. Is there fire in your belly? I’ve got lots to think about. I hope you have too from what I’ve shared. Lynn too was an inspiration to me, yeah, I’ve got quite a bit to think about, need time to absorb.

And yes I did do the sodding shopping. I think I’ll send our son next time.

Challenging Power and Privilege | womeningh common goal health equity, focus on structure. Action not words or singing Nationalist songs.

Looking forward to seeing more women in Sari’s as Karuna suggested speaking truth to power.

Which men are present because based on what we’ve experienced many of them are the wrong ones more interested in holding power than doing the right thing. Prove me wrong?

Sixteen hungry people queuing for sandwiches in the hot sun. A baby in a pushchair and I think of what our government means when they speak of so called leveling up.

We went for a coffee and a tea. Bought a cooler dress for the funeral from one of the local charity shops.

Listened to the anguish of not knowing what comes next. Reassured about the appointments, tried to advise about those sunburnt blisters on her neck. Searched for a suitable hat or perhaps a light scarf…all declined, focused on the worries, no head space for anything else. At least she’s put on the sunscreen…

Plans to sit in the sun this afternoon… and I think of the disassociation of the body caused by psychological trauma, the marginalisation that she’s experienced.

Just the five phone calls since since I left her with the carer. Pressing me in the way she does. A shame after our pleasant morning. That’s the thing, it’s never enough. She’s scared because she doesn’t have a plan for this afternoon, frightened of being alone, needing to fill ever hour, always watching the clock. Rejecting my offer, then taking it up. Backwards and forwards, undecided. Until I’ve had enough. Hard to keep my patience, then knowing when is enough before we get into the old familiar ground.

Bunny’s eating the rhubarb, oblivious to the harm, she’s under the bushes in the shade. I shoe her off, she’s back to biting her back, settled into the coolness.

I’m surprised at how. Phone.

I hate it when she goes on and on.

Anyway I was going to say surprised at how many people in the sea. Not the children now. Just the oldies like me, perhaps a few a little younger. Quite fancied a dip but better let that ham sandwich go down.

That’s off now. She’s coming round. Agreed to a scarf with the carer it seems. At least I can try and keep her in the shade, stop those blisters from getting any worse. Aim to keep her hydrated…

I missed the baker’s. Perhaps they’ve changed their days?

In doors is cool, feeling the benefit of those early morning gusts, blasting cold air through the house. Though we can find a shady spot out here.

Better get on with trying to rearrange that appointment. I really want to go to the funeral, sods law it should fall on the same day!

It’s going to be outside, loud speakers from the church for the service then laid to rest. A young woman who didn’t expect to die. She doesn’t have a Will which will add to the family’s complication. That disconnect between the hoped for life and the one that was. Or wasn’t in her case. I hope someone is mindful of her wishes if they were known. I wonder about her beloved cats…

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/

https://www.gov.uk/government/organisations/office-of-the-public-guardian

A HMRC scam on the phone telling me how I’m subject to an investigation. Yes I’ve heard about that one. An automated non sense call.

A friend of mine yesterday posted all sorts of none sense about the virus. And so it continues. Misinformation unchanged since last year. I’m pissed off with having to debunk this rubbish.

I had my second vaccination, it was fine. Not even a bruise this time. A couple of weeks and I should be covered. Husband booked in to have his second one soon.

I heard the other day the Delta variant is causing trouble here. Rising hospitalisations of those who didn’t think the virus applied to them.

So we’re sticking with our handwashing when we get in and all the other precautions because having had a post viral infection before I’m not up for that.

Now I really must sort out that appointment.

This was from a draft so long ago I can’t remember the link. But both of us have felt the violence today so perhaps I’ll leave it right here:

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women

I felt such a sense of relief last week talking to someone and feeling heard. Lots of action points for them to take away. Us waiting again but with a little more optimism that perhaps we were on a path to having some help.

We’re back to tears and anguish. “What will happen, where will I be?”

“Would you like to speak to my manager?” No. They sent me an email but I thought we were getting somewhere. Any thoughts of complaint gone as long as we get some help. Translates to how further forward?

A referral to STARS, another safe guarding referral, another referral to adult social care (literally the results of the last one only given verbally last week), a waiting list for help with the depression….

No the GP didn’t call back. No we haven’t heard from adult social care, haven’t received a copy of their assessment, no call or confirmation, no we haven’t heard from Peabody…

I phoned the surgery. They’ll get the mental health Nurse to call me back unsure if follow up should be with GP or Nurse. Another week of having had the tablets but lower if anything in mood, seems fair enough to us unqualified eyes with everything just getting worse. Social anxiety bad today, planning on going to an anniversary meal, reassuring tones from both of us, it might help take your mind off your worries…

Meanwhile £28.99 on sunscreen and after sun, talk about getting a hat. Declined, too depressed to look, too depressed to apply the sunscreen so daily with the carer before the trip out? Changed the chiropodist appointment as it clashes, (toe hidden beneath a plaster, won’t let me look) with a hospital appointment, cancel my lunch with a friend as she argues with the lovely Mel about not wanting her to put the washing machine on.

That’s something our carer’s used to say. Long awaited respite cancelled in a day. Always needs of the cared for first. Meanwhile that constant tension where the family would have me walk away…

Talking about sun burn did you see this? A person experiencing homelessness who’d fallen asleep in the sun. Photo with the permission shared by Homeless Hope.https://www.homelesshope1.org/

Meanwhile would I like a psychological referral?

I was late leaving home (rubbish collection day) so arrived at the hairdresser’s about five to nine. Meanwhile cousin arrived at 8:45am according to the hairdresser she was “having a complete meltdown”. Panicking that I wasn’t going to arrive.

When I arrived she was already having her rollers in so I guess Darren cracked on trying to take her mind off me not being here.

She tried her best to ignore me and sat looking very sad. I asked how she is and she gave me a thumbs down. Now she’s under the drier. I smile from under my mask, she looks and looks away.

As far as I know she hasn’t had that return call from the GP. Yesterday was full of panicking phone calls about a hospital letter that arrived. I phoned the hospital and it’s fine for me to accompany her. Neither of us know what this is for. Doesn’t seem to bare any relation to the last conversation with the GP. Guess we’ll find out tomorrow when we get there.

It’s cooler today, the gentle breeze flowing in through the open door.

I’ve sat here writing this and rearranging appointments, looking at the diary and what’s booked.

Went out for dinner last night. Heard a saga about getting a blue badge. Fourteen documents too big to upload after two hours completing an online application. Photocopying and travel to hand in then told do it on line and it makes me wonder how many people eligible but can’t jump through these ableist hoops. Anyway it’s done. Apparently will arrive sooner than expected, or so she’s been told.

Hearing about a holiday booked, self contained accommodation, adults only, away from the noise. No option on the booking form to tell them that the blue badge has been applied for.

One of us looking better than Friday despite the faint… but don’t worry he took a paracetamol? I sat there not quite knowing what to say. Wondering why he thought a paracetamol might be the thing. Thinking about the history of TIA. Sometimes things don’t make sense. Ask if he’s feeling better, talk about staying hydrated in this hot weather, hear how they’ve abandoned their walks because it’s too hot. Talk about maybe changing the time of day. Avoiding the full height of the sun.

Talked over the fence with our neighbour. Their love of gardening, how they miss their ‘home’ since moving in with daughter. She was rummaging through the bin. Asked if she’d be interested in a raised bed, how that might enable her to continue to enjoy.

A few minutes later a knock on the door, our neighbour, rabbit wire in hand, came to apologise that they’d forgotten. Bless him a few minutes later he’d sorted the gate, keen to help us with our worry that bunny might escape.

Sets up another issue to be resolved. We’ll definitely need another one of these. But I’m thankful for his time and consideration.

Yesterday was a day of gifts. Grandma brought this round for our daughter, knowing that today it would be in full bloom:

Oh dear I’ve just seen the sunburn. Oh time to go

I attended Dr Turner’s lecture with Stillpoint Spaces (for the psychologically curious), BLM 2021

Heard about how racism is a complex identities projection, how others are our shadow opposite self, relational and threatened by our own power. About rescue.

Thinking about my internalised racism. I felt a huge sense of threat when I joined my first anti racism group. It was powerful and I held on to a need to rescue. Even verbalised it, which felt embarrassing, immediately made me feel ‘other’ and small. A threat that was existential.

I’m conscious of intersections here. Fears held. Waiting to raise their ugly head, familiar triggers of grief. Intersections both as perpetrator and having experienced marginalisation.

Dr Turner reminded us that the trials of the bystanders to George Floyd’s murder are yet to be heard. I think of the role of bystanders in the everyday, from those at the storming of the Capitol to those who I disclosed to at work about the racism I’d seen. A white man quick to deny and twist words, a white woman who didn’t reply.  Colleagues standing silently by who had likely read my words.

One person who wrote me a little note later. This is how racism and marginalisation are upheld. Did I mention how my attention to clinical details was criticized, ridiculed rather than being seen as holistic assessment yet at the same time appreciated by some.

I need to let this toxicity go but also break the silence. That violence that is silenced.

Back to the theme in hand, we were reminded that the population are 4% black in the UK. Like race “BAME” a social construct.

We heard about Dr Fanny Brewster’s work; complexes are split off aspects of the psyche originally caused by trauma. Racial complex driven by Whiteness.

Interesting that a white woman should call out the patriarchy in response to racism. Reminded again of the intersectionality of prejudice and its proximity to power.

Here I stand. A Karen by another name yet at the same time powerless when experiencing the denial, report, suggested criminality.

Envy only partially acknowledged, history here.  Shackles still present but now seen. A movement felt.

I’m conscious of how trauma is internalised.  Conscious of my soul bird. (From this book, see link https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Michal-Snunit/The-Soul-Bird–10th-Anniversary-Edition/7064799)

Draws flying open with little provocation. Unexpected bursts of emotion coming from dehumanising, lack of choice, existential death as discussed within this space.  Real not imagined in the past, redirected into justice doing as Vikki Reynolds suggestions in her book Justice-Doing at the intersections of power.  Restoring my calm when not up against those systems of injustice and moral injury.

I talked about my shackle dream in response to Dr Turner’s reflections. Remembering the dreams of the oppressed that Dr Turner discusses in his book (link https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Dwight-Turner/Intersections-of-Privilege-and-Otherness-in-Counselling-a/25649206)

We listened to Nina Simone. I notice how I’m more in touch with the rhythm, the complexity of the notes. Words jumping out. “If we aren’t free we are murderous”. Speaks to me of those draws of emotion flying out.

These pages my soul bird flying free.

I recognise how I’ve held shame about my privilege. How it effected my writing connecting to my working class roots but not how I held the power to walk away. Not something that is an option for many. Yet at the same time a shackle to unlock. Shame of not knowing how to open. Perhaps just in need of new fertile soil to grow. Potting on as I once described a move to our daughter.

Trauma shows up in our control of food. I’ve let go of that. No longer denying my love of fats, (can’t help but wonder at my cholesterol!) alcohol just an infrequent indulgence as and when and in moderation. Interesting the liberation I feel.

What is it to be the white woman we were asked. The question makes me feel unsure. Haven’t explored that part of myself, a work in progress in the reconstruction of self.

A year on I am passed tokenistic gestures. Exploring what is needed next. Restorative, mindful of self care.  How has our identity changed, what part seeking the foreground. Has that ossification ceased? Still fragile not so rigid? More connected? Still aware of unanswered questions.

New connections for sure. Blessed and appreciated.

How I’ve enjoyed the sense of being free, unconscious and authentic, burning bridges as I’ve gone along in the way of denial of personal power. Holding the need for vengeance.  The most longed for no longer possible, how the hurt has changed me, who am I now? Speaking my truth has been needed for self healing, a life work in progress.  Writing through the darkness into something new. Reclaiming my envy, shame and sexuality those projections that fuel racism…a life work as identity changes over time.

I attended our community group. We looked at Dr Kinouani’s latest piece “On writing, Colonial Schemes & Liberation”.  I alluded to it before.  Little did I know as I joined this time last year. I feel it’s the same as I start my second year, dipped my toes in, conscious of the years others have put in but not wanting to deny the deep experience in learning. Somewhat fearful of what the future holds.

Perhaps I’m still writing without direction. Pick up a question here and there for further exploration.

A question I’m not sure I’m ready to explore. A question posed nevertheless, an accountability for racism one might suggest.

Dr Kinouani mentions schema’s that are militaristic; punitive engagement with our bodies and how we have been taught to be distrusting of our bodies. This reminded me of my first miscarriage. How I felt my body had let me down. How I knew something wasn’t quite right, fearful of what might be happening or not. Pushing those lack of pregnancy signs away, pushing them to the back of my mind while at the same time knowing that I was feeling physically better, my breasts returning to their not painful/swollen state, more energy again, no longer feeling sick…

Not wanting to know what this might mean waiting for confirmation on the pregnancy scan. Putting off that moment of truth, true realisation that the longed for baby wasn’t going to be. A gap between the excited expectation and seeing and hearing no heartbeat on the screen. Our little butter bean that wasn’t going to grow into the person we held in our heads. Carrying the weight of the first longed for child and grandchild.

Then just wanting the pregnancy gone. Opting for an operation rather than trusting my body’s own processes.

How different and less traumatic my next miscarriage was when I allowed myself to connect to my experience, let my body do what it needed to do. No less the trauma of grief but this time minus the hospital trauma and those big expectations of the baby starting school, getting married, all of life’s milestones, that trauma of the unknown experience of bleeding, passing clots as I came out of the library, that horrible slipping, bubbling sensation, lack of control…. but most of all the loneliness of loss just a reminder this isn’t Nursing advice. Just a retelling of part of our life and how this works with internalised racism. Exploring and unpicking as I let go. Mindful of the pain that might be in the audience. New and rawest for some. That pain will ease in time my love but for now just needs to be held. Let those healing tears flow, the emotional and physical pain will, become less acute, you will find ways to be, always your beloved baby. Named by some, to some a loss unknown.

Is that why it’s suggested wait twelve weeks before you announce the pregnancy news? Another way to invisibilise the pain? Whether that’s those first few weeks of pregnancy, the stretching and the painful breasts or a longed for life coming to an end. Pain that doesn’t lessen on remaining unspoken? Harm closed up in those soul birds draws?

We were asked to look out. Is it instinctive of my resistance to look in? Just another expression of trauma as those who are hurt do. Still so much work to do. Mindful of work done, work yet to do. How time becomes limited yet we grow nevertheless, learning from those around us.

A thought like a passing cloud of how the time to heal feels like a thousand years. A long time but none. Bearing no relationship to the tick tock of the clock. Is that the lost in translation that Dr Kinouani implied?

I’m disconnected. It’s all about head rather than body response. Sense the weight of psychological trauma intersecting as it does… tired from a long day of cognitive exercise. Late to bed. Night night.

Last night I got involved in the @weNurses twitter chat. As it’s carer’s week they were shining a light on what is often invisibilised work.

The choice of the word invisibilised is purposeful. In a supportive team it’s a gateway to support and a different perspective on what can sometimes become fraught.

When I was seconded it was an entirely different experience. One where I was made to feel like an inconvenience, like I was being unreasonably demanding, management had no interest in the reassuring comments that where made supporting my flexibility.

I’ve said before how the flexibility on both sides increased a sense of commitment. I had teaching to do on set days. I could work round that and make appointments that fitted in but as appointments become more frequent and the need for extra support unmet, lurching from crisis to crisis it makes work untenable without adequate support.

Last night the word duty was mentioned. When those around you (family and work) don’t recognise any sense of responsibility it makes any carer’s role more challenging. Not to mention the tension created by having to justify why I’m not doing other things.

I don’t want to be my cousin’s carer. I want my life back but the constant worry about how precarious her situation is often doesn’t give me the luxury of head space for anything else.

I’ve Nursed people in this situation. Locked into ‘caring’ roles because there is no one else. I’ve seen the damage it does to both the person being cared for and the carer. What is the answer to this as our population gets older, needs greater?

I worry about this as I walk around our town, notice how many people just look uncared for, look like they could do with a bit of of a hand and I’m reminded of what I know of our culture. How we don’t ask for help, see it as a weakness, don’t except benefits on offer. I’m not sure what we can do about that. All part of our racial trauma.

Perhaps when we can recognise our worth? See that reflected by world leaders priorities? See it in work places and community?

It’s the G7 or is it 8 a world away from here. Will world leaders recognise their duties to their population? Focus on climate change, equity and health? Leave the self serving lies behind as they paddle in the water. Feel the sand between their toes. Commit to each other to hold one another to account. A race to embody the best of humanity? Worthy of respect as yet undeserved.

Know that you’ve done badly. We want better. Don’t want to see children growing up with bombs, reliving their parents trauma.

I’m mindful of a mistake I made. Felt sick in the pit of my stomach when I realised. A mistake that was made worse by the culture I found myself in but my mistake never the less. Nurses have a duty of candour. It’s uncomfortable when you feel the consequences, have to speak to those affected. Worse for those harmed.

Where I worked we had to complete a reflection so that we all get to learn what went wrong, try to avoid repeating any part that could be prevented, avoid further harm. Will our leaders do that I wonder?

Vaccine equity but so much more

It’s another beautiful day, already 17.5C and feeling hot, the faint smell of muck spreading in the air.

Revision notes attended to at 6am, printed off ready to read more on the bus.

More exams today, daughter in her fleece and jogging bottoms… she says the word is that they’re not allowed to go in skort “because of the boys”. We have a conversation about about policing clothing, watch as the boys get onto the bus wearing their shorts, can’t help but think of discriminatory practices…

We were delighted to see the results of weeks of work.

I’m reminded of my own experience of DT. Being told by the teacher, amidst a room full of laughter  “don’t get your breasts caught in the vice.” How there was the expectation then that the boys would produce the best work. Wondering how much of that has changed when I saw a photo of delegates, all white men in the room. Hardly reflecting of the work I see.

I’ve been listening to tales of woe. Parents struggling with their child’s behaviour, how they’ve had help that grandparents have paid for but just a 10minute appointment with no face to face. How the Mum is struggling but just expected to manage without any support. Reflect and compare. I hope you know I’m not just fighting for my cousin when I kick up a fuss.

Cupboard fitter that didn’t turn up, how sleeping on the floor brings it own issues after so long of cancelled subcontractors not turning up. The knock on effects for work. (Link https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/labourproductivity/articles/sicknessabsenceinthelabourmarket/2020#which-groups-have-the-highest-sickness-absence-rates)

We reflected on an article my husband shared something about how we’re swearing more. Not surprising when nothing seems to work.

I’ve stopped for a fairly traded tea. Trying to catch my breath, the phone calls less frequent today. Yeah it’s still a bit stinky out here but the sun is hot, a little breeze from time to time. Waving the long grass, seed heads bowing in the wind not quite ready to drop. Birds poking about under the bushes, twittering to each other. I’m going to put off that mowing a little while longer. Quite like the meadow look.

Bunny is laying in the cool, too hot for her outside. Grumpy earlier in the heat. Despite the open windows and doors.

She wee’d right next to the litter tray on the floor. When I moaned at her and said “no, not on the floor, in here”, popping the kitchen roll into the litter tray. She growled and went for me, bit me on the arm! Oh well, bless her, perhaps she’s feeling happier now she’s found somewhere cool.

It looks worse in the photo. It’s fine. Funny how photos don’t quite capture all of what there is.

Anyway better get on

This mornings family zoom started with lots of agitation over the proposed new Morgan’s development which if allowed to go ahead would see pontoons 24 meters into the channel. (here’s a link to the town guide 2020 Town Guide (fliphtml5.com) It would put an end to traditional sailing as barges could no longer get up the river and pilots feel it would be unsafe to turn so they would be forced to turn elsewhere which would be far from ideal.

There were fears expressed that the ships would get a deal but those who object would be side lined. I guess like most things now if you aren’t computer literate you don’t really get a say and I suspect that those most passionate about this may not have their voices heard. Sometimes I’m glad that the old skippers don’t get to see this kind of thing. The two I know, still alive, I wonder what they think. Sometimes I think we carry the weight of our ancestors.

It doesn’t make sense that the harbour are backing the proposal and people wondering why that should be. What is their incentive we wonder.

https://idox.tendringdc.gov.uk/online-applications/applicationDetails.do?keyVal=QO1UZ4QB0EL00&activeTab=summary

Login (tendringdc.gov.uk)

The so called reassurance that the decision could take six months fills my brother with worry. He woke early, worrying about it and says in exasperation, “six months of worry”.

Teen missed, sleeping in after finishing work at 10pm last night.

The children were playing a spy game – what’s that all about? Talking through their teddy bears; Monkey says he thinks he loves you, “ah, that’s sweet, I love you too”.

We were talking about how the new build supermarkets are being built with solar panels over their parking lots so that electric cars can be recharged and I wondered if our new Morrisons will be doing that.

We talked about how in France ground source heating pumps are available in the DIY stores and we wondered if they are available here. Questioned why we seem to lag so far behind in this country after hearing about a self build, built years ago to a higher eco spec than we seem to have here now. I wonder if our housing stock in this country now has the insulation it needs…have you opened the windows to let that fresh air through?

The big old beasty koala is back, lives in the garden more often now. The 15C feeling more like -20 just as we’re here in shorts.

Print | Difference Between

I read an editorial in the Journal of Advanced Nursing called Health Implications of the home and host culture intersection (3 June 2021), my interest was piqued by the word intersection, just as it is when I’ve written about intersectionality. The article starts with a poem by Ijeoma Umebinyuo, the jist of which is too foreign for home, too foreign for here. The article refers to ‘migrants’. I’ve spoken before about how classism intersects so would suggest that feeling alienated from home is not ‘just’ something felt by ‘migrants’ but all marginalised people. It effects both physical and psychological well-being as addressed in this article; it is extensively addressed by Dr Kinouani in her book “living while Black” which has been published this week.

The article mentions how people are required to adapt to the host culture. This is particularly problematic when that host culture is one of colonialism. People who have taken the decision to migrate, (is taken freely by the individual concerned for reason of personal convenience)Definitions | Refugees and Migrants (un.org)

and indigenous people are both traumatised by our history that has not been taught. The article states that it is not easily achievable to affirm identities within institutions and structures where cultural values and practices are neither welcomed nor respected –

It is possible to ‘create an environment that allows a harmonious intersection’ however the power dynamic or the need for internalised change needs to be acknowledged, as does the hostile political environment, historical and ongoing injustices.

Years ago I had a friend from Russia, with a new-born she sought advise from her Mum but was also advised by her health visitor here. She was made to feel shamed by cultural practices that were the norm in favour of her health visitors very clear ideas on what she “should” be doing with her child. As a new anxious Mum it would have been so much easier for her if the health visitor had been more sympathetic to the gap between two cultures that this new Mum found herself in.

I’m also mindful of someone I met when I was volunteering, she was very anxious and referred to the health professionals she’d encountered with her child as “those bitches”. It was difficult to hear and I could feel myself wanting to be defensive but I sought more information and the trust had broken down through the professionals not showing appropriate respect to her home “barging in” and to her sleeping baby. She’d been up all night with a crying baby and finally she’d got the baby to sleep when the health visitor arrived. A really difficult situation as trust between them was already low and given what I understand now about psychological trauma and how some people have had generations of their family forcibly removed from them despite this incident having happened years ago, she was still very much affected by it. See links The Stolen Generation | Australians Together ‘Suffer little children’: New evidence that Irish kids were murdered in reform schools | IrishCentral.com Remains of 250 Dead Children Found at Catholic School – Nwo Report

“It is important to prioritise community partnerships and participation when providing health services to migrant populations, especially minoritized communities”.