So the new baby has arrived, everything according to plan and in the end glad to be in hospital, we’re all different hey. Lucky to have that safety net.

Talking about planning one of my siblings is just about to join a pottery class. They went to one before but mid term the tutor died so the class ended without finishing the work.

Yesterday’s family zoom was all about sorting out affairs. A tough week with pain, another confidence shattering fall and turning to planning for when there are more not so great days. Focusing on what matters to them. On one of those worst days I suspect they would have agreed to anything but fortunately that’s not how we work. The contrast in future planning between two families couldn’t be greater.

There’s a gulf of a disconnect in one minute talking about a teacher suddenly dropping down dead and yet at the same time thinking that some how it won’t happen to us. I’ve written before about how we’ve sorted out ours (see link if you want to know more https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney , also https://www.dyingmatters.org/ has some great resources). The silence in the zoom room! you could hear a pin drop.

My sister in law was saying about how she thinks she’s got about another ten years so she should sort out her craft room, we laugh as she has been saying this for the last ten years! Obviously none of us know what’s round the corner so who knows.

Dad got seriously into getting rid of stuff as he got older, thank goodness because he had stuff! I contrast this with the person with their lifes goods in a shopping trolley.

So anyway the new class, with a different teacher starts soon and they’re thinking about wood turning and pyrography.

There’s been snow and hail and they dressed up warmly, a Mum and baby koala in the garden.

One of my nephews students gave the children a toy brain so they were excited to show us. I think it’s part of an awareness thing but sometimes you miss things when people try to talk over people in their excitement. I tried to look it up. I’m guessing it’s something to do with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders having 3-5 times higher rates of dementia than the general Australian population and it makes me wonder about a link between racism and dementia. I wonder if this gets confused with the forgetfulness that comes with psychological trauma.

Some of the children are back at school. This week has been a tough week with misogyny. Our children having to fight to be heard, boys talking over, belittling voice. Going from bottom set maths due to preconceived ideas to top set once ability was recognised, up a grade in teacher assessed prediction once the reality of work grades where highlighted. The children fought for those rights. Nothing has changed. Parents got involved and now we have been promised action. We’ll see. We celebrated our children’s achievements but why should they have to fight? 93% this week.

I’m reminded of a Mum from our community group how the wounds on her daughters legs weren’t even seen, screams of pain unheard – negrableism as Dr Kinouani has described it. Who herself experienced so much pain this week. That too perhaps unseen. As my colleague said “Same shit different wrapper”

There is a go fund me page to help some deal with daily crap https://www.gofundme.com/f/rtntherapyfund?utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+spider1v&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

This week I’ve been reminded yet again how sitting in silence allows the space for disclosure, allows time to think, how silence can be a special gift, how being with is sometimes enough. Followed by action. However some silence just the everyday racism. I reflect on my ableism with my cousin.

I experienced white amnesia yesterday. I arrived at the group having forgotten all about the article. Wrapped up in my own thoughts. Quickly remembered as black people did the work, a common pattern. We talked about the willful blindness about racism. How it’s experienced when we don’t fit the perception, how it isn’t experienced by those who are racialised as white. We talked again of the compounding factors. We talked about evolving racism in the digital age – see link https://guides.library.illinois.edu/socialmediaaccessibility/digitalblackface

We talked about what it feels like to work for an organisation where you’re left with embarrassment at denial, defensiveness and deflection. How when you cannot speak up “it’s a lot” (that has seriously got to be the understatement of the year!)

I was looking through twitter and Nurses were complaining about stealing each others pens and it made me think of how some stealing is in plain sight but also how there are vastly different concerns. Some life and death.

We talked about the need for a welfare clause for those who are working in diversity and inclusion. How addressing these things needs to be resource led. We talk about how it feels to be undermined. “It’s a lot”.

Do people listen to hear? I consider myself in the mirror. Was my solidarity aligning to whiteness? People expressed shock at how some people are SO FAR BEHIND and I wonder where I am in that, because you don’t know what you don’t know. We wonder about the opportunities for space when black employees have to sit through protestation and denial, we wonder about the silent bystanders? Are they now speaking up?

Sage is the organiser of this fundraiser, they use the term “charitable industrial complex” and I’ve heard on several different occasions from different sources how this complex sector is by far the worst at addressing discrimination. Largely because it’s full of “do gooders” and I wonder about the harm we perpetuate. Think about the continuous gaslighting sign that still hangs above that neglected garden, how my complaint went unanswered, deflected, my tweet unacknowledged. Just the usual assumed incompetence?

We were thinking about how “I can’t breathe” is used a lot, how that prone immobilisation isn’t just physical. A fight to even be seen as victims. How people are told don’t try to fight on racism, use something else, gender, disability. How many prosecutions on the grounds of racism have their been in the UK? https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/protected-characteristics/race-discrimination/

How many prosecutions will there likely be on the grounds of disability after governmental failures to protect? White solidarity getting in the way of voices being heard or advocating for the person, aligning instead with the organisation.

I was trying to connect with my body during the yoga session, what a wonderful teacher Navreet is. I was aware of that pain under my ribs and how my bowel feels swollen and it got me thinking about the consequences of chronic inflammation. When I was doing the racial trauma course I experienced physical pain in all the regions of my body that have been associated with racialised bodies. I’m left trying to make sense of this and that. Meanwhile GP’s are under attack when the attack should be elsewhere, who funds the training and this vital service? Divide and rule has always been used.

There’s a campaign to stop governments deleting messages integral to the workings of government. Colonialism hides evidence, destroys papers, prepends things didn’t happen when they did, is that what happened with my complaint?

Apparently there’s a protest on Monday about the safe navigation at Brightlingsea.

We talked about slave codes, how poor white labourers were co opted into white solidarity against black people. It makes we reflect on that. My cousin working in the houses of parliament like our Grandad did, perhaps in a some what different role. How some things stay the same. We had a cabinet during our childhood, it was made of off cuts from wood used in parliament. Some peoples stealing having great consequence than others. It makes me reflect on an article I read about professional curiosity.

We considered how disability is a personnel issue. How there is entrenched position and a burn out culture. Some days I feel burnt out. It’s hard to give yourself space when you’ve been raised as a work horse. This week I sat on the beach. It felt weird to stop, makes you think of the million and one things to do, hard to switch off. Can we afford to have some lives matter, some not?

https://benjaminzephaniah.com/rhymin/the-death-of-joy-gardner/?doing_wp_cron=1631444918.5399219989776611328125

State assisted death is being debated just as it is in the sad room https://www.ica.art/exhibitions/war-inna-babylon

We reflected on how the promise of the after life for some is around no disability and heard how when disability is a part of who you are, this is so offensive so please don’t without care and thought pray for those who live with disability it isn’t always welcomed. Being neither a curse or special blessing it just sometimes is. It makes me wonder about how fatigue is just seen as normal for some. Sometimes more than others, sometimes the same I used to learn from the people I met living with chronic disease. As it’s been said before disability is about environment. Makes me think about the tools we need to do a job. We were talking about how uniscans only take you so far, how they aren’t any good for where people actually want to walk, a reoccurring theme like others. I’ve seen abandoned equipment in the street and it makes me wonder about those who cannot afford a wheelchair or a bath seat, a mobility scooter, I’ve sat with someone who was experiencing shame about this. This isn’t their shame, it’s the company who employed them, and our so called safety net. What happens then? Some have called this requirement to buy our own medical equipment a disability tax. Especially when that £20 each week is withdrawn. Too many wasted medicines and too much lost equipment assist in that divide and rule, perhaps that could be different? Some people over medicated, some still under hard to get it just right. An ongoing issue.

Just as I was writing that I got a notification….”in particular, we know from studies testing the vaccines that although they work very well, they do not completely stop people getting the virus, or getting it again. We also know that some people can get the virus again even if they have antibodies”. Please do not assume you cannot get covid-19 again…which begs the question about social distancing in schools and the chances of long covid, the protections for people with disabilities…why are we revisiting this old place? No doubt the next time in court for some. Perhaps I’m not up to date.

We talking about forest school and picking battles, sometimes it’s too much. Sad that the form filling there too gets in the way of children’s connection to nature when we know that’s a vital way to wellbeing.

We had crumble today, made with apples that a neighbour left outside their property, free surplus for others to enjoy. I need to have a think what I can re gift in return…

First question was, is the new baby born yet, everyone keen to know. There’s a plan and upset that the birth can’t be at home.

Remark on the circular nature of life. My sister in law tells us her Dad has been dead for more than half her life. Much longer for us with my Mum. She talks about her own birth experience how Miss Smith told her it wasn’t hurting, a somewhat different experience to hers. We get to talking about epidurals how it worked for one of us but not two of us. Makes me reflect on my birthing experiences, so thankful I could be at home. Good job one of the siblings went to hospital or the baby wouldn’t be here. I found it helpful to think about surges rather than the more painful word contraction but that was just me. I felt safer at home. I found in the end my body just did it’s thing anyway, turns out I could trust it after all, I knew the risks, wasn’t still a baby myself. Had everything they could give me with the first, nothing with the last. Each so very different perhaps. Continuity of care made a huge difference to me, not everyone has that. I had someone offering me pain relief, perhaps that helped too and knowing what to expect.

It’s the Colne Match next weekend. (link if you want more info http://www.colnesmack.co.uk/) and we talk about the petition, that any interested party can sign https://www.change.org/p/morgan-marine-stop-the-morgan-marine-development-in-brightlingsea , you need to scroll down to get to the link for the planning application, there’s information about why people are objecting.

Apparently the mail is held up with covid. We talk about workers rights and how it makes sense for workers to be protected by mitigation measures.

We talk about stroking the chickens and how they’ll be ready for the pot by the time some of us get to see them. We talk about travel and my siblings hold me to account over going to Devon and I reiterate we followed all the mitigation measures, avoiding crowds. Came home without infecting or being infected. Someone we know not so lucky. Makes me think of that crowded pub and the tiny windows and how some people weren’t wearing face coverings.

Something about an arranged marriage but I miss the joke, not quite hearing what was said the conversation moved on. They talk about how 91% of covid infections are under 50 where they are and how the inlaws didn’t suffer too badly with symptoms but they’d been double jabbed. One of the younger ones had only had one vaccination and they were quite poorly. One day out of isolation then off to film in Malta.

Our uncle was in Malta during the war a few days different and he would have died on a steamer there. As he was he was laid up with a broken leg. Rested his leg in a bush and all the ants crawled up it! Not the best plan in a cast. I Nursed a child once who dropped a 10p coin down theirs, didn’t mention it to their parents and it was imbedded into their arm by the time the cast came to be removed. That was pretty stinky. When one of us broke theirs we didn’t realise, came home on the train and went to A&E next day because they thought it looked a bit wonky after all. Come to think of it that same thing happened to a friend of ours. Interesting when you think about that disconnection from body. Dave’s yoga class were on the beach today.

Our cases 1,030 in Tendring, I’m told. They talk about how inevitable it is they we will all get it and I correct this misinformation reiterate how to prevent the spread. Go off on a rant about vaccine equity, how vaccine isn’t the only measure. One of us can’t get the jab, there is no availability. We talk about risk and how this changes and can be managed, how that’s a hard message to sell. And wonder if that really is the case. They all want to know who funds the studies. Meanwhile I wonder about the teacher with their classroom only two years old and no windows or ventilation, why would you build a classroom like that? Guess we’ll be expecting the usual coughs and colds when they go back. Wondering why we casually accept all the flu deaths each year.

There’s a stump of an old olive tree. They want it out. It’s in the way but it’s growing anyway, regardless of what they want. They need someone with anger issues they laugh.

Then we listened to the story of how someone was dealing with a tree using a circular saw and how it bounced off and they grabbed it with their other hand, they were already balancing on the roof anyway. Best get a professional.

Memories of an accident recounted. I just remember how the person driving to hospital searched for a parking space while the finger was held in place with the first thing to hand, an old oily rag. (A clean, pressed tea towel would have been better but I guess you use the tools at hand). The person who was injured remembered the unwanted sympathy, just get on with the job. I remember Mums shock and how she just wanted to be with him, how we all rushed to be there as soon as we could, how I couldn’t concentrate at school until I knew he was all right.

My sister in law told us how she’s learnt to know that if my brother says he isn’t feeling well it means he needs to get to the hospital. They laugh at how the worst thing is sympathy. Makes me recall the lack of much sympathy and how it was always our fault. We heard the story of how during the first heart attack she stopped at the red light when the road was clear, how she didn’t realise he was having a heart attack, how they’d had two weeks of arguing the toss. The second time she knew better and got the ambulance, conceding that although they had to wait they would at least get healthcare on the way. (Here’s a link if you want to know more https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/conditions/heart-attack/women-and-heart-attacks)

I remember walking to the shop to run an errand. I stubbed my toe on a paving slab, it bled and bled and I was frightened. My brother happened to spot me on his way home and he carried me home as I was sat on the ground. Mum sat me on the draining board while she attended to my injury and told me off for not wearing shoes. I don’t ever remember going to A&E in the whole of my childhood. She just cleaned and dressed it and that was that. I always had great chunks out of my elbows or knees, just part of childhood back then. I remember once ruining one of my school blouses, all blood and holes in the sleeve. I’d fallen over in the playground, they had a gravel that was particularly slippery I seem to remember. There didn’t seem much concern for children back then. (Is it different now? https://www.unicef.org.uk/what-we-do/un-convention-child-rights/)

They debated the pros and cons of healthcare staff having the mandatory vaccine. How in the Navy there was no such thing as consent or school for that matter. At least some things change for the better.

They reminisce about the huge needles and lining up for the thick blunt needle, more like a screwdriver in those days. It wasn’t much fun back then. How it left a bruise, different now, you hardly notice the needle so slight and since HIV it’s all individualised.

We talk about exemption certificates, how you can’t mandate until everyone has the chance at it. Talk about a winery where it’s mandatory because they had a cluster. One of us can’t get the second vaccination, there is no availability. They mention booster jabs but want to know who is funding the study.

It’s warm and we met with the cousins on the beach, adding to the collection of sharks teeth. Last day before they go back to school. They are nervous and some parents are excited, some less so.

So we’re sitting on a bench, this is our view. The sun is beating down and I can feel it on my shins. Probably should have taken the time to put on the sunscreen.

It’s go fest. It’s a Pokémon thing. 6 people have just walked passed glued to their phones. I don’t think they notice the view.

A person sits in their mobility scooter, looking on, radio quietly playing in the background. Lots of excitement about this particular raid while I sit and write. Gulls squawking over head.

Yesterday we were after pokeballs. I can’t say I’m interested but I try to support the hobbies. It seems like it’s a game of extreme highs and lows.

The gardens are fresh with those stones that people paint and leave for folks to find. It’s our anniversary perhaps that’s why.

Just the right day to attend our intergenerational trauma webinar later.

Yesterday I got talking to someone who used to visit here as a child. Pointed out the guesthouse where they used to stay. We chatted as she sailed her model sailing boat across the little boating lake. Reminiscing days gone by. Enjoying the quiet pleasure of watching her little boat blowed one side to the other. Shared smiles at how some things don’t change.

People walking passed laden with buckets and spades. Joggers stop for a breather. Roller skaters flying passed.

We’re booked in for lunch with the in laws. First time since the start of the pandemic. They are double jabbed. Some of us are some of us aren’t. Guessing we’ll have lunch in the garden.

Tourists have arrived, smoking and heading for the nearest bar, groups straight to the beach. I remember how years ago we used to have ice cream sellers walking through the crowds. Now people queue for their ice creams. We used to go to the dive for fish and chips, sit and eat them on the beach.

Popped in to get some final bits and pieces ready for summer school. Sanitising hands and wearing masks while in the busy places.

Shared a laugh with a stranger as they watch me struggle up the steps with my bike, the third time…because there’s a new shiny. Frustrations over not a getting a particular Pokémon.  People walking passed moaning about the game. “Even the reward was crap”.

Surely she’s had enough… seems not…

I can feel the sun on the tops of my feet, on my knees.  People moaning about the traffic, “but we’re here now”. Funny isn’t it, when we were built for arriving by train.

I was reflecting on yesterday. The script of “we’ll talk to you like you are a bit thick”. Was massively triggering to me.

It tipped me over the edge.

The response was conflict between my cousin and me.

When we’re together mostly we’re ok. She relies on me heavily. Her priorities aren’t my priorities and sometimes that’s hard when I’m trying to help her.

Yesterday she was telling me how she didn’t have her friends phone number whilst on the phone to her. She had rung her friend.

After a morning of being spoken down to, (I experienced this vicariously, I found this triggering).

I’m struggling to determine if this is my difficulty in experiencing this or my cousin’s response, a bit of both.

It’s one thing recognising projection afterwards or even at the time. Doesn’t lessen the triggering effects. Perhaps that will change over time.

So after that meeting I once again had a list of jobs to do so whilst Peabody are helping they are also dishing out more jobs for me. I should have said no.

She is unable (?) to do these jobs. Is she or does it just fit the script. I’m not sure.  I remember going to the council offices with our people experiencing homelessness, making a fuss about the signage, talking about trauma, all quietly and silently unacknowledged, retraumatising. People used to have to stand behind a sign which said “homeless” then they were spoken to like they weren’t believed. This has changed. There is a new reception, none of those signs. This is great. How come they were changed? Who noticed the problems that people were experiencing? Hello? It’s dehumanising for ones contribution to be so unacknowledged, so silenced. Just yet one more so called microaggression. Hello?

I tried yesterday to find out more about this debt that she knows nothing about. Is it fraud or is it her?

It took all morning and I’m no further forward. Meanwhile my child was home alone.

She thinks it might be an old phone but it doesn’t correspond to any phone number I’ve had for her. She’s ready to pay the debt. But I’m not sure it’s hers.

She seems to be embroiled in something that she genuinely doesn’t seem to understand.

Before Lindsey and Caroline arrived yesterday she was so worried about how many people were coming, but we’d gone over it again and again. As anxiety rose understanding less and less. Able to think more clearly when that anxiety was gone and it reminded me of what I’ve read on twitter about people who have psychological care that isn’t culturally appropriate and doesn’t take their experiences of racism into account.  How it’s easy to slip into fulfilling the script – something I learnt from Race Reflections trauma course.

I contacted Paul for support. Someone else phoned me back, tried to reassure. By this time I was losing it. Something with my husband making matters worse. The knock on effects of time taken supporting my cousin.

Today I phoned Lindsay, abandoning my cousin to more of the same but for the sake of time with my children and my own mental health.

I’m perfectly capable of sorting out this admin, let’s make that clear. As Peabody are paid to do it they can do this, any contribution I have ever made has on an ongoing basis been silenced or ignored so no charge there.  But isn’t it interesting how the script is then fulfilled. How there is the expectation that family, however remote and regardless of circumstances will pick up the never ending admin from the chaos of lack of support for mental health. Ableism at play for a lone individual without any assessment as to their ability.

Silence from the social worker despite leaving numerous messages. The “doesn’t fit the criteria” that we’ve experienced twice before presumably going for a third go despite again requested by a new professional. A good use of resources? Who is challenging the criteria that so impacts family members and community?

My husband says I have a ‘unique perspective’ how I should just step away. Mental health services also tell me for my mental health I should step away. Yet who is left when she’s on her own and says she can’t manage? Who is left with that sense of responsibility for caring?

I’ve stepped away. She’s lost and alone. Good job she’s found this new friend that she’s ringing constantly. Just another person in the pattern of abandonment. Find a new friend to solely focus on, piss them off with the constant ringing for reassurance until they tell her to fuck off. Will this new friend be yet another who ripes her off financially? Back round this circle without the necessary support?

Yesterday someone rang me back. Explained how I need to trust their system of support, how there’s a whole village of professional support. How I should be patient because the referral has only just been made. Are they really so clueless about how trustworthy and reliable only come from a person’s experience and what has our experience been to date?

I was told “there are agencies that help with that”. In a moment of clarity I thought about my experiences of what I provided when working in palliative care.

How people would tell me what they needed and I’d try to get it done. Rarely did that translate to a phone number to ring. Often it involved an internal referral, work behind the scenes dealing with what mattered to them regardless of whether that was inside or outside the organisation I was working for.

It involved liason with GP’s, hospital teams, social workers, OT, physio and rehab assistants, Peabody and university research departments, complimentary therapists and chaplains and sometimes undertakers.

Working as I was in the space of preventing crisis. My ‘unique perspective’ tells me this isn’t much different except those involved can’t see it. So here we are. Shut out and struggling to make sense. Epistemic homelessness as Dr Kinouani has described it as.

Now I’ve made the decision to walk away from my cousin’s administration Peabody will pick it up. So that’s good hey. They presumably have had some training in the consequences of trauma. Hopefully they’ll see she gets to her latest hospital appointment.

Like I said yesterday, I’m done with being taken for a fool. Hilarious that whilst I’m writing this I get sent an email, the latest Nursing Standard article on how to encourage older Nurses to remain on the register.

So we’ve seen the lovely Paul. An hour going over the same stuff. But it’s ok because he’s going to refer us to the same consultant we saw at the beginning. Round and round the system of fuckwittery. Told we need a social worker, a care co ordinator, a medication review. Another 4-6 week wait.

Collected the tablets that we were told weren’t there but after further clarification, insistence on a phone call like magic they appeared.

We’ve been given the phone number if we need any immediate help.

Tears. Letter from a debt collector. “I don’t owe, anyone anything”. Ok, try not to worry, I’ll have a look tomorrow, before we see Lindsey… they never did phone back.

She remembered something from her childhood today. That’s a first. Perhaps we can build on that memory some more. Find the good times? Try to remember what she likes?

She was saying how her Mum was looking for her everywhere and found her standing under the coal man’s horse!

I just about remember the coalman. How they used to come round with their horse and cart, walking around the back to deliver their heavy sacks of coal like the dustman used to come round the back to find the dustbin. Carrying them on their backs.

Pass the time of day with our refuse collector. “Alright love?”. A word of thanks.

People are still hurt and reeling from yesterday’s racism. Wondering why social media platforms don’t take control. Wondering if employers will sanction when they’ve been told about people’s online behaviour.

Then I think of us, what I reported yesterday. We are no exception to the violence perpetrated. All caught up in reenactments of violence.

Who is working on racial trauma? I shared a post that contained some of the hate. While it highlighted the online abuse that is shared by sharing it, it exposes people to further racial trauma. Not ok. I got it wrong.

We’re accountable for getting it wrong. The bodily harm.

And I wonder about my cousin. What harm is there in seeking help for her. Hopeful of more help than harm, but harm possible nevertheless.

She couldn’t understand the Nurse. We removed our masks and opened the window. She couldn’t get the message across to the pharmacist, was frustrated by what she saw as an unwillingness to help.

The staff at Boots were busy. Walked right passed, didn’t offer to help. Can’t help but feel invisible in these moments as they walk passed with unseeing eyes, ignoring pleas for help. The pharmacist was trying to help. Cousin didn’t realise the process of how they were trying their best. I sought to reassure. She was getting frustrated, because she thought no one was helping, seeking other people out. Anyway we got the medication in the end. I wonder if she would have stayed to sort it? If I’d not stepped in.

Is it usual to sit behind a desk?

It’s different. I wonder about verbal and nonverbal communication. Do we think enough about that. The power dynamics? How we might be seen to be more available, more approachable. Paul seemed approachable and kind.

What do I say to her when she tells me she’d be better off dead. I phoned Paul back for some advice. He will phone her and phone me back.

I was sitting at the table crying when my husband got back. Fuck this level of ongoing bollocks.

I read an article in @galdemzine (gal-dem.com) while I was waiting for the family zoom to start. Niellah Arboine writes about “caring for plants as a way to care for myself”. It’s a beautiful article in which Niellah reminisces childhood gardening and how stories were passed on.

I remember a story my Mum used to tell. She and her brother were children arguing over who got to use the spade and who got to use the fork for digging in the garden. She got so cross with him she said “have the bloody fork” and slammed it down; accidently through his foot! I think she carried a lot of shame about that. I just remember being concerned about the potential for tetanus. I think that was why she told the story teaching me about how to keep myself and those around me safe. Here’s some more info about it if you want to know more Tetanus – NHS (www.nhs.uk) . We had an ancestor die of diphtheria so we’ve always been pro vaccination, not something we see these days here. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/diphtheria/

Translated more broadly into community, it would seem, what with those queues locally for covid vaccination I saw as I walked passed this week.

Lots of excitement on the family zoom, with the recent storm dinosaur footprints were uncovered so they are now in their local museum. It’s on our list to go and visit at some point. We find things here too, this was from ages ago Children find rare fossilised tooth belonging to prehistoric ocean giant | Essex Wildlife Trust (essexwt.org.uk) but we have found sharks teeth on our local beaches.

The children have been doing a project at school and so were asking what chores people did. My sister talked about having to clean the bath and my sister in law helped in their shop and served dinner to their lodgers, made the beds and cleaned the rooms ready for guests at their guesthouse.

She shared stories of teaching the dog to climb a ladder and how to sing. My Dad had a dog as a child. When Grandad died, his dog (who like our rabbit used to regularly jump on the table) was taken in by my Aunty. Her house was full of delicate little stained glass ornaments…I can just imagine!

My brothers talked about chopping firewood, getting the coal in, taking the ashes out, cleaning shoes on a Sunday and doing the brass.

I remember having to clean the brass and the silver trophies. What a boring smelly job! I also used to make the faggots for the fire. I don’t think that’s an ok word now but just then it was the name for newspaper sheets that were twisted and knotted to use as fire starters. I didn’t mind that job. I taught my children how to make them…just in case there is ever a need. I also had to sweep the hearth.

Our children have to keep their bedrooms clean and tidy, put their laundry away…erm…a work in progress. We’re trying to teach them to be self sufficient, ready for the time they’re off to university. I’m proud of their time management skills, how our son can do his washing and ironing, how well he can cook…he’s preparing the dinner as I write.

Youngest not so interested in some of those things. Much like me. I remember how my friend cooked a roast dinner at thirteen. So different from me. The first dinner I ever cooked was a Christmas dinner for twelve! That was just a little bit stressful, but it turned out fine. At least I knew how to make inheritance gravy! I have a vague feeling that I’ve written about this before. Weird isn’t it when you’ve told a story so often that you forget who you were speaking to when you told it. Plus of course psychological trauma messes up memory. Anyway back to the zoom.

We were told about how 900 workers had to go into isolation because one worker didn’t do the right thing and with covid on the rise again their boarders are shut. They’re sad at not being able to meet up, any plans to travel are now on hold again. They’re thinking of paying for a meal so that the family who can be together get to have some special time. We didn’t get to hear the children play their instruments but the concert went well and their Dad received the photos. Here we couldn’t go to sports day but we’re going to an inside concert. I’m not sure how that makes sense but at least the concert aims to be covid secure with adequate ventilation and spacing, tickets limited.

Meanwhile of course our health secretary has resigned, something about some revealing emails another one breaking the rules they created. The Good Law Project are compiling a case, evidence mounting by the day. I wonder if it will make any difference to that particular team and their accountability to the public, the ones who pay their wages. My experience is that whistle blowers come off worse, even people trying to do the right thing. Perhaps that’s changed? In London we have people marching against lockdowns, not that a virus cares about that and a Dr reported to the GMC for suggesting people wear a mask. I self referred to the NMC after all I too suggested a mask was a good plan after I saw what was happening elsewhere before the evidence was out. Is doing better possible? Where is the space for doing the right thing, innovation? There is optimism in some of the posts I’ve seen, a possibility of a different way of being, Black feminists in the global south leading the way, we have lots to learn about collaboration, non binary thinking, our history. Yes I’m still reading Alex’s book Life Isn’t Binary : On Being Both, Beyond, and in-Between: Alex Iantaffi: 9781785924798: hive.co.uk embracing the complexity in life, trying to learn.

With the usual holiday on hold their off on a road trip 1,000km to go and see some Whales. How exciting. Memories of a basking shark off…was it Wales or Cornwall…Did you see a French company are doing sleeper trains? I’m so excited about that. Always fancied the Tran Siberian express, something more? Perhaps a plan for retirement.

It reminded me of a friend. Every year she packs the family up and heads off, not quite knowing where they’ll go to. One year it was one disaster after another. Tents blown away, terrible weather, reversing into a post, car conking out. She posted daily updates, you couldn’t make it up. Everyone cold and wet, there was anger, there were tears but also warm cups of tea, hugs and make shift arrangements. It was hilarious, the stuff of legends. Turns out in retrospect it was the best holiday ever! Funny how things turn out. Different to the life changing effects of covid, ongoing consequences. Makes me wonder how life will have to change, especially with global warming.

Apparently they are off to chose the new chickens next week.

Some of us wondering with their group whether to swim the channel. Lists of regulations, what with it being the busiest shipping lane in the world. We were talking about the babies learning to swim and we were reminded of how Dad was obsessed with that. Now they splash babies faces, try to develop reflexes to keep safe from drowning, learn how to float. In my sister’s day they just used to throw you off the side of the groyne or in my nieces case off the side of the boat, tied to a length of rope. Good to hear it’s a bit more gentle now, why did we laugh in the face of such fear and sorrow? Our shared trauma that needs to be healed? Have you seen this? Revealing what has been hidden? The power of love and healing? I’m hopeful it’ll be on essential reading lists Living While Black : The Essential Guide to Overcoming Racial Trauma: Guilaine Kinouani: 9781529109436: hive.co.uk

My cousin and I didn’t get to swim this week though plenty of people did. It’s windy today so we’ll give it a miss but it’s on the list. I remember how I took her swimming, long before covid. How she was so afraid. How we talked together to make it feel safe and enjoyable, worked within our shared limitations, swimming into a different way of being an activity shared, the possibility of an unprecedented kind of laughter.